Struggles

I've wanted to Write this for a little Bit but I never got to sit down and Write it, maybe It will Bring me some form of Solace, maybe Not....

a Lot of the time these Seem weird or Attention seeking or whatever.. but I think Lottt of people could write Something like this

but it is not The point to Win being the worst off Or anything, I have a lot well for me and I must be grateful for it all

i Think a lot of the damage to My Brain comes from my time in school,, it probably was The worst Time for me, so unbearable I couldn't see MySelf getting past it at Times

well I Never had any friends outside Of School since early middle School, so I'd usually go home and just play on the Computer after school. I got moved around a lot For my mom Looking for jobs and All that so I would have to make friends Again

Always i've been a little Shy I don't talk to somebody if they don't Talk to me first, is always how I been but I was able to make friends in Middle School and it was well, but it still wasn't Perfect

i always Viewed myself as Lesser or lower because I got put in special ed , maybe for not doing my homework and always goofing around, or maybe my Mom got me diagnosed with something I don't remember

Failing classes and Stuff Happened almost since I Started for not doing Homework and the such , I heard in PreSchool I would always try to run out, I don't know why but maybe I just didn't like being all trapped for the Hours, so maybe is why.. but it made me feel Bad to be labeled that.

but it is a Little off trail I think, my time up to HighSchool wasn't all too bad for that,, I think some of the Kids maybe Make fun of me for being Weird or having Some speech Problems but I always been friends With most people and just Light Teasing to me Always really.. I don't really think I ever felt like I was bullied even later in school, which is nice. Maybe is better now then It was in the 90s and such..

Things become very hard for me in high school, I remember my first day it was New School kind of, not Really the one most Kids from my Middle went too, so I didn't know many People but I Think I decided something Dumbbb like I wouldn't talk for the whole day, and from there I never speak ever in all of High school. At first I went to all my Classes, but later throughout My FreshMan year i started giving Up more and just sitting outside all day. It felt horrible Being unable to really make any friends the whole year, or even Talk or anything.. people just pass me by, I remember some people come up to me and try to talk to me but i'm just unable to respond because it felt so weird to talk.

I stopped talking to Even really my mom,, only using my voice for my friends online. And a lot of my friends OnLine was very edgy and all that, so they Influence me Kind of to be Mean and edgy and Troll and all that. I feel a little bad For how I was online At that time.

it was so Horrible for me, i listened to lot of Sad music and read lot of depressed and suicide people forums because it's What I related and found comfort in.. i would just go to school and be a rock Basically, curl up in a ball and sleep or if I wasn't sleepy just sit against the wall and watch the day pass by.. nothing to do.

My 2nd year of High-school my mom Put me in a really nice school.. it looked very beautiful, very lively and I liked all the teachers. so I tried my best, but still as a mute. that part never really changed even Today i'm still kind of mute, i only text to my mom.. but it was Okay,, I didn't really need to Talk, i would Still sit against a wall a lot, and sometimes skip classes.. but I tried. i really Tried to go to class, and listen and try to beat the Tests.. but I still failed. Maybe mostly because of homework, maybe because I was so dumbb with it came to the maths and some other stuff. but the School was very nice, so they don't want Failure to stay.. so I move again for 3rd year.

after that I fully give up, I got moved again (still to a pretty nice school) but I go and sleep all day on the concrete rain or shine, and again if I didn't sleep deprive myself to get through it well enough, just go and watch the cars pass by. I remember the people in Charge of me Really didn't like me Sitting outside All day, they always watch me and bug me. I really hated being Watched, i Always hated being monitored..I don't know why but people staring at me made me feel so uncomfortable. So I would try to play Hide and Seek with them Basically, I run away at random points in the day and try to Lose the people watching me, but they have cameras lot. Very very rarely was I able to get away truly, a lot of time they faked like I got away from them but I see them from a distance looking at me. They hated this a lot, they Yell at my mom a little bit for it, but not enough to Really make me stop. I remember on one day a nice Random student Hugged me tight when I was all curled up waiting for the day to end. it was Kind of fun trying to run Away from them, but it was Probably the worst year of all of the school, I always think I can't keep going anymore back then, so hard for me to get through it all.

especially Since I felt so HopeLess, and also the One relief I had in all of it all Was I would have solitude and comfort sometimes in my first 2 years. All alone is nice sometimes, and I could watch and think in peace, even if it Was lonely at Times. But being stared at constantly meant I could never really feel comfortable Anymore

My 4th year was somewhat the Same, just sleep or watch. I get moved Again because they Don't really know What to do with me I guess.. the school I was at was kind of Crappy compared to the other ones, kind of Ugly and it was a Small section of a larger school I was assigned to I think, so not much really to view. I was stared at a little Less but still so.. My best memory from This time is Digging up a really Big Rock.

they Held me for 1 more year because I couldn't drop out Until I was 18, the school was Probably the least good of all, it was all Inside which I hated.. I loved being somewhat free, if being alone was one of the comforts that got taken away, then being trapped took away this comfort as well. But I got very good at sleep deprival, most my days just get skipped by that with me Only being awake the last hour. I remember my mom Wanted me to stay another, but I made a big fuss about it and dropped out since I was finally able to.

Now it is Where I am Now I guess... I just sit Home and browse the Interwebs so long.. I been here since 3 , it is a Sort of second Home to me. It feels very Alone and HopeLess a lot of days for me. I still Love the world, I love my mom, and i love people a lot but some days are Just so hard for me to get Through.. nothing seems Important or like it matters. Some days are happy for me I think, my mood Goes up and down to the extremes a lot that way. I wish more People could talk to me, but I will never Approach anyone still, and the Whole world kills my head whenever I try to think about it, it hurts just trying to so I don't think I have much of a future sometimes

i Hope to get the GED one day (high school diploma equivalventn thingy) but I don't know when it will be.. I will need to study the maths for sure, i am So horrible at those. I also thought to go to College one day and become a Psychologist like my mom One day,, but I don't know if it Would just be high school again.

my current Life I just spent day wake to day end on the Internet.. sometimes my Mom takes me some places and it is nice, but besides that there is Not really anything out there for Me so I am kind of a shut in.. I don't really have much Freedom sometimes.. but maybe isn't too bad of a thing.

I hope I can make more nice pretty things some day, i like Drawing and coming up with things, it's hard for me to keep focus on these things even if I really want to, and sometimes I am too low willpower to do anything.. so it is rare.. i Think maybe with more time I can do a lot, but maybe is just wishful thinking.

It is a sudden End for all of this, surely I could put more here, but some stuff is hard to think about, or i'm Not ready to share just yet.. maybe I will make another sometime

I wish the best For things.. I hope the World is good.